Not gonna lie, this year so far has been rough! Financially not so bad- financial planning- yeah. But I'm talking about my health, my physical well being, as well as my mental and emotional health. I have had more days than I want to admit that I have not wanted to get out of bed! But I do! Every single day- no matter how intense the pain, or how debilitating the depression, I get out of bed every day. Some days it has taken my cane and the walls to help me get around, some days it takes me an hour to get to an upright position- but I do it! I cannot and will not allow my body or my mind to defeat me, or define me.
I have fought a few struggles, but I know that if I believe in myself and in my dreams, that everything will be ok in the long run. Nobody said life was easy, nobody said the things we have done this past year would be a walk in the park. We have to take chances and step out of our comfort zone if we want to get anywhere in life, if we want to see our dreams happen. And if that means eating ramen a few times, and fighting with your spouse more than normal, crying yourself to sleep a few more times because you feel worthless. If it means pushing thru the physical pain because you know it comes and goes in waves, and taking that pain pill once in a while that you hate to take- just to get a good nights sleep... we have to sacrifice to get what we want.
We closed on our home this first part of the year! We never thought we could become home owners. We are taking a trip this summer! Something we just have not had the means to do for years. Little things are happening for me that are reminding me of why we moved. I have faith that when the warmer weather gets here- much of my physical pain will decrease.
The rest of this year will be positive, as much as I can make it! Yes, I suffer depression- so much worse than I let anyone, even my husband, know. I hide in my house, away from people, away from where I can be seen or heard, I cry when I'm alone and do my best to put on a happy face when I have to. Luckily this isn't ongoing- it comes and goes. My depression scares the hell out of me. I don't want to go to a doctor and ask for meds- I don't want doctors to think I want some happy pills! And, I just hate meds in general. I don't want my husband to get tired of my problems and leave me. I have had suicidal thoughts- too often... that is terrifying as well- I don't want to die!
Anyway... one day at a time, one month at a time... one fourth of this year is gone!
